weird day

have you ever had a feeling
when something you really want is right next to you
and you know that you can never have it?
I personally hate it.
It goes against my belief that the impossible is possible. But sadly, i have to accept the fact that it is true .. i can never have you.
no matter how i try or what i do, i know that deep inside .. i can never change your heart. you simply just don't love me. I can tell ...
miracles do happen ... but it will never happen for me . and if one day it does, it will be the day where i no longer have any feeling toward anyone ...
there's no point to try if you know it's never gonna work. but ironically, if you don't try, how do you know that it will work or not.
right now my brain is telling me that i should just stop and forget everything but my heart keeps telling me that there is a chance and I can do it.
But i don't want any more heartache ... it's just too painful. I just simply want to love you .. that's all.

Christmas

Christmas was a lot of fun.
That is for sure because Christmas has always been my favorite holiday every year although Santa Claus doesn't come anymore and give me presents at night.
This is probably the first Christmas I've spent with the girl I love. I don't think whatever I do will change anything, and I don't really have any hope for it either, but I just want to see her happy.
Merry Christmas. May all your wishes come true !

Yêu

Yêu thật sự là gì.  Lúc nhỏ, tôi lúc nào cũng nghĩ rồi sẽ có một ngày tôi sẽ hiểu được yêu là gì thôi. Tuy nhiên khi lớn lên, tôi cảm thấy khoản cách giữa mình và tình yêu thật sự dường như là rất xa xôi, không thể nào tìm được.  Khi nhìn thấy bạn bè mình ai cũng biết được tình yêu là gì tôi cảm thấy mình là một người rất thật bại.  Tình yêu cho họ đến một cách rất dễ dàng giống như là mình chỉ cần yêu ai đó thì người đó sẽ tự động yêu mình trở lại. Nhưng đối với tôi, tình yêu không chỉ đơn giản là vậy.  Nhiều lúc tôi thật sự không hiểu cả bản thân mình ... Mình thật sự có gì không tốt? Mình thật sự có gì thua kém ai? Mình co yêu người đó thua kém ai không?  Tình cảm mình dành cho người đó lúc nào cũng thành thật.

Em có biết không, tuy là em đã nói với anh là em không còn yêu anh nữa và anh không nên thử nữa vì nó sẽ không thay đổi được gì cả; nhưng anh lúc nào đó cũng muốn cho mình một hy vọng gì đó, dù chỉ lá một chút .. vì anh thật sự không muốn mất em.  Hai tuần trước anh không gặp em, nhưng lúc nào anh cũng nghĩ về em.  Anh đã thử hết mọi thứ rồi ... ngay cả việc uống rượu .. một chuyện mà anh không thích làm nhất, anh cũng đã thử nhưng không có cách nào quên được em.

Anh đã hứa với em là anh sẽ không bao giờ nói cho em biết cảm nhận của anh nữa.   Mỗi lần gặp em, anh cảm thấy rất vui, nhưng lại rất buồn vì anh biết là anh không thể nào có em được nữa.  Em biết không .. anh rất thích khi em cười. Anh rất thích khi được nhìn váo mắt em.  Thật sự, anh lúc nào cũng muốn được gần bên em.  Chỉ như thế thôi là anh vui rồi .

Anh yêu em .

"Hãy để anh được yêu, yêu em trong từng suy nghĩ .
Dù là tưởng tượng thôi, nhưng anh cũng thấy vui rồi
Đừng nó chi em ơi, tình yêu không cần nói
Chỉ cần cảm nhận thôi, anh nghĩ cũng đủ rồi ."

Love is not a reaction

Nor it is an equation

t

but it didn't give me the answer

that I'm looking for

Chorus:

Your eyes, like heaven in the sky

You show me how to fly

Baby when you glance at me.

-- blah .. i can't think of a lyrics right now ..

So tired

Last week and this week has been too much for me to handle, but perhaps, it makes me appreciate free time a lot.  I have 2 exams today and I really want them to be over with. I just want to get them done really.  I don't really care anymore.
Everything part of my life is falling apart right now, but I will get it back together.
I need to get things done.  I need to finish this. Finish what I started .

full of feelings

yay, it's sunday and it's one with a lot of feelings.
i never really felt so shitty like this before
its over.

False hope

I don't like false hope.  I don't like when you hope something is going to happen but it will never happen because it's just the way life is.  Whatever you don't want just keep coming up unexpectedly and whatever you want just never comes.

New song number 2 :)

Right now the chord seems to be like
D A G A D
D A G D

bridge
Bm A G D A

D A G Bm ...
Bm E G A D

...

Confusing

What is happiness?

I searched this on Google and unexpected ran into a really good blog answering the question that many people till these days are still trying to define.
So what is 'happiness'? How do we define 'happiness'? How do we become happy?
To be honest, I still don't really know how to answer these questions since my definition of happiness has changed as I grow older.  The way I view happiness now is different than how I used to do.
So, on the post I read online, it distinguishes between pleasure and 'real' happiness.  It shows that happiness is not pleasure. It is not how much money you make or how big your house is because as human beings, we're really never satisfy with things around us.  We might be comfortable and content with what we have now, but those things sooner or later will become unimportant parts of our lives that we either don't care about anymore, or want something else better to replace it.  I totally agree with the author on this. 
To me, happiness is not definable.  It's a feeling that you can't really describe with words.  You just feel it.
When I see my little cousin speaks in Japanese (he's not Japanese), or when I see my other cousin show me her drawings .. it makes me happy.  I'm happy when I see wonderful things in life like this.  I'm happy when I see spectacular things in life.  I'm happy when I'm amazed by the beauty of nature.
Like when I look up in the sky at night... have you ever done that?  It's the most beautiful thing that nature offers to us.  
In another word, I think happiness is something that can be attained through self-realization of wonderful things around us.  We have to look at the positive side of life in order to be happy. 
It is true that life is not perfect, and often what we desire never really come true.  But on the bright side,  have you ever thought how lucky you are to be able to see many wonderful things in the world.  Have you ever thought how lucky you are to be living and thinking about things?
Thinking .. is a very powerful thing.  Ideas and innovations are wonderful.

I'm still amazed by the Internet even though it's 2010 now and we've had Internet for over a decade.
I still don't know how people came up with the ideas to do that.  And also cellphones? Wireless communications? ... all of those things were created by us ... WE have to the power to do so.

Just by thinking of those things make me happy because I know that I have the ability to do something cool like that.  To be able to create wonderful things in life that might make other happy.  To me, that is true happiness.

The blog I mentioned also talked about resilience, and how that is also a key to happiness. It says that the key to happiness is the ability to stand back up everything you fall down or fail miserably.
It is true. I, personally, went through a lot of ups and downs in life and I really think this is a necessity.
If you do not have the strength to get back, then it is really hard to be happy.  How can you be happy if you're not giving a chance?
The way I think is .. you can fail as many times as you want, but it only take one time attain whatever you want.  So as long as it is not 0%. Keep trying!
That is my philosophy.  Even if it's 0%, I want to think that I can make it possible somehow. 

Life, ... time and happiness don't wait for you. You have to catch it yourself .. don't let it go by :)

New Song - Xa

Title: Xa
Nhạc & lời : Lê Quốc Hoàng



--ôi sao nó sến ---
-- I orginally wrote this in C, and it turns out to be too low for me, so I sing in D
(Capo 2)

Verse 1:
Cm              Fm                                 Bb
Em, tình đôi ta, trôi qua bao tháng ngày
             G                                 Cm
Để rồi đây đi qua như giấc mơ...
             Fm                          Bb
Tình yêu ấy ra đi không trở lại
              G - Gm7
Không còn một hình bóng


Chorus:
                Cm                                      Fm   
 Người yêu hỡi, sao em lặng im, cứ mãi ngẫn ngơ
             Bb                                              G
Để anh ngóng trông từng ngày , cho vơi nỗi buồn
                Cm                                      Fm    
Tình yêu ấy như chưa được chôn vùi, lanh quanh mãi đây
 Bb                           Gm7                             Cm 
Để anh ở đây một mình, nhớ đến phút giây ban đầu

Verse 2:
Xa, dường như em, ra đi không trở về
Ngồi bên em, tim anh như nát tan
Cuộc tình xưa sao cứ mãi vấn vương
Wooo .. woo ....

Chorus(repeat)

Chorus + 1/2 key

-maybe  some minor modificaiton later.

Yet another Sunday

It seems like .. I only make posts on Sundays apparently and all by coincidence.
Today was fun, I get to go see the movie Megamind and it was pretty cool.  I think animations are the best, because not only that they're good , they also teach you a good life lesson.  The movie really teaches you that(or at least that's what I got out of it) no matter how much you fail, if you really really try , you will eventually achieve what you want.
I think it fits me perfectly at the moment.  For the past few days, I feel really really disappointed and really don't know where I should go anymore, but this movie really encourages me to keep trying.  Maybe it will work! As long as it's possible...

On the other side,  I feel somewhat happy today although I shouldn't really feel that way because I will get stuck in the infinite loop of thinking again.  Things are really fuzzy, but like then again, maybe it's just only my imagination again.

Tired,  bed time.. more writing soon :)

Happiness

I had a conversation with my aunt yesterday about where happiness comes from.  She says in order to attain true happiness,  people really need to stop worrying about money but rather focus in family and your loved ones.  I totally agree .. but the problem is, I feel like I've done those before, yet I still haven't truly really been happy at all.  I am really unhappy actually. 

I feel really stressed right now.  I really am not prepared for the Design Patterns exam tomorrow and on top of that there is Num Anal homework, Lab, and the Microsoft interview.
I really feel like giving up right now. But isn't that stupid? Spending all my life, working hard to achieve what so-called "success" and yet right now I really don't want it anymore. 
I really don't know.  I just really want more time to enjoy things.  I want it to be like back then when I can enjoy my life.. smile at little things in life and love things that happen everyday in my life.

My life changes so dramatically that I can no longer keep up.  I feel like I'm not even fitting in my own life right now. 

I just want to be happy... isn't that too much to ask?

Sunday morning...

It's another Sunday again.  It's always Sunday that I start to get anxious about school again.  I don't really want next week to start because I know it isn't going to be easy at all.  Design Patterns, Micro P lab, and then Database exam, along with the project... AND Microsoft interview ...
Life just seems super stressful at the moment.

So I rewatched Karate Kid today and it was pretty good still.  I like that movie a lot.

I'm not really sure where to go anymore.  It's already been 2 months and the same thought is still sticking in my head.  The more I try to forget, the more it comes back to haunt me.  And the more I try to convince myself that this isn't going work, it will not go anywhere... the more doubts I have in myself.
Why can't I be decisive?  I hate indecisive people, but at the same time, why am I so indecisive this time?
I no longer want to think about this anymore, yet I'm always thinking about it.. constantly.
I feel like I'm stuck in an infinite loop that even by pressing Ctrl + C , it wouldn't help breaking it out.

Ideas

I think I just came up with an idea for a game. It should be pretty awesome if I get it to work correctly.

Song ideas

Am Dm G C F Bm E Am

Chorus
Dm G C F Em7 E Am A

for now

Why can't life be easy?

I feel so tired right now.. exams, grandpa's health, money, bills, my love life. Everything is just all coming up at the same time. I feel really stressed right now.

Meh sunday...

For some reason, I never really like Sundays . Maybe it signifies the last day I have before I have school the next day ... or maybe I haven't had much sleep on Sunday night lately because of labs.
But today, the reason isn't really the same.  I woke up feeling really empty and don't really know what to do.  Just sitting here pondering about what things I can do for the next few hours before heading back to my apartment again.
Emotionally, I don't feel great at all .  It's an indescribable feeling... I feel like no one really understands me. 
I don't know .. maybe if I go and program something cool, I would feel better, or if I find something good and worthwhile to read, that'd be even better.
I want this sadness to go away.  I want to be back to my happy self without having to put on a fake smile on my face everyday. 

You know...

I want to write a song :)

Finally the answer

It seems like the question I've been looking for the past couple months has been answered.   Although it's not pleasant and I expected it not to be pleasant too, so I'm kinda prepared for it.
It hurts still though.. a lot.  I haven't felt like this for a while now, probably since 11th grade. A few months ago is more like upset/mad rather than how I feel like now.  I'm not happy at all. I'm really not myself right now.  I don't have any confidence in me at the moment.  Everything just seems to be gone. I feel a little pathetic right now about myself. 
Why am I so attached to her?
I hate to feel like this. I don't like this at all.  Why does it always happen to me? 

Guitar..

For some reason, I don't feel sleepy at all, although I should be going to sleep right now and get some rest before school tomorrow or at least work on the rest of the AI project instead of ... just sitting here playing the guitar.

I'm trying to play Love by CNBlue. It's really cool song .. I just don't know how to pronounce those words ... but ... it's a good song. I'll try to cover it this weekend.

Nite!

I'm gonna become .. the Pirate King

I like reading One Piece. I've been reading this manga for about 7 years now and it gets better and better every chapter.  Oda is definitely one of the best mangaka(if not THE best) out there.

I like the story line a lot.  It talks about friendship and the importance of friendship and also talk about how people can achieve their dreams although it might sound impossible or ridiculous.

Today's chapter is awesome.  It's something I've been waiting for a half a year now, seeing Luffy and his crew reunite together for some new adventures.  And more importantly, the last page of today's chapter made my day.  "I''m gonna become The Pirate KING" ... A very ambitious dream and very assertive statement, just like how I would describe myself. Although he failed numerous times, he just become stronger and stronger to overcome those hardship which is something I really admire. 

I want to become the best person in the world and I will do it!

Almost there ...

After the quick break, I feel more energetic and went ahead to implement my new thought of how to implement the check for horizontal and vertical and luckily they work!!!
So implementing the diagonal checking wasn't hard at all. It's a lot of reusing code which is bad because right now it's a lot of Copy and Paste codes into methods since the codes are really similar.  However, with the time constraint, I still haven't found a way to simplify the code yet. But I will do it once everything works correctly.
I'm just so glad that everything works fine now. The only thing that is left to do is implementing the Score (which is super easy with my way of implementation) and making a Random AI, which shouldn't be too hard.

Classical music helps a lot really! It kept me focusing to the project.

I had fun talking to my cousin in Australia as well (she's turning 21 today! Happy birthday cousin! )
Can't believe time passes by that fast.  Her 8th birthday seems just like yesterday... Time really doesn't wait for anyone.  You just have to catch up to it. 

I really want to go to Vietnam this summer. Hopefully I will be able to.

Good night!

Anime break

After consecutive hours of programming, I think it is a wise idea to take a quick little anime break and then continue with my late-night coding session.
The anime I'm currently watching right now is called Psychic Detective Yakumo.
I haven't watched any of of anime for a long time, but this one seems pretty good. Hopefully it will get better.

Late...

Surprisingly, after going to sleep quite early yesterday, I almost missed my first class this morning. I thought the clock says 8:30, but it says 9:30 instead ...
On the bright side, I think I came up with some ideas for the checking method for the AI project while I was sleeping last night.
The implementation is simply just having an extra class called Location to keep track of the row, col of where the new block is placed (each block) and use a stack to process each "Location" by row, by col, and by diagonals.  After doing that. I will add all of these "Locations" into an Array which allows no replication.
Then I will do the removing process one by one. However, I still haven't thought about how to deal with the blocks above and move them down but it shouldn't be too hard.
I had Krishna lunch on a Wednesday for the first time in 3 years ... that's pretty amazing. Their spaghetti wasn't AWESOME, but it was pretty good.   I have to say that I like the tofu.
I still have to finish the homework for Database, which I don't really want to do right now .. But I need to get a head start on it soon because it is due in about 5 hours from now.

Life is okay.  I've become more confused everyday and don't really know what happens anymore.  Sometimes it was almost like it's a 'yes', but it just seems too good to be true.  It almost seems like 'nah, I just imagined it' kinda thing. 

Listening to some classical music right now... and get ready to tackle some of that Database problems.

Here I go.......

The AI Project - Letris

Right now, part of the Letris game is done.  Users are able to input string and it will place correctly into the grid. However, the functionality to remove the blocks if 3 or more of the same type are next to each other hasn't been implemented.
I'm not really sure how I'm going to do this because you have to remove it simulatenously, which means I would have to check for all possible rows/columns/diagonals.
Rows are columns sound reasonable, but I'm still not sure how I'm going to implement the diagonals.
It seems like a pretty complicated task and I'm thinking of only checking the block that's just dropped rather than checking through the whole board, because it would not make sense and would be very complicated.
I'm going to sleep now and I'm gonna try to think about it as I sleep.

Good night World! (or rather, half of the world!)

Productive Day!

Forgot my charger , so I had to drive back home to get it.

Today is a pretty productive day.

Finally managed to finish my Artificial Intelligence Homework as well as Design Patterns homework early for once. 

Next goal is to finish Database homework and get a start on the AI project.

This is my first blog post ever on here.